Saturday, 13 October 2012
I was thinking while I was jogging this morning about how much I used to write, since childhood, but more specifically during my 30s and 40s. When between jobs or laid off, I loved to get up around 4:00AM, chug a few cups of coffee and start writing. It was very important to me then. Now I look back and I don't know why. I've always had this thing about God being with me or inside me or around me or all those at the same time. I think I just believed that I was writing to God. I never thought about publishing anything or even about who would read it, I just wrote. Now I'm older and it seems pretty pointless to me, not in a negative way and not out of discouragement, although discouragement and disillusionment over the years did have a lot to do with me reaching this state of mind. It's just that my awareness of the world has increased and I see how many more are out there doing the same things I'm doing and the chances of me being seen and heard or realistically zero. I'm not into that thing of, "Oh, if just one life can be saved or one heart touched by this, then it's all worth it." The world is one big giant sucking vacuum of death. From the moment we're born we enter the end of the Sucking Nozzle of Death and the rest of our lives are just us flying through this long tube until we enter the dust bag at the other end. The internet has made me feel worse about everything because it exponentially opened up my awareness of a lot of things. When I got my first computer three years ago, I was excited and my mind was full of the possibilities (so I thought) of what I would be able to do. Long story short, I didn't realize how much a person needed to learn and how much time it took to learn these things in order to do stuff on a computer. Especially if you have a job and other interests, and really especially if you have to figure it out for yourself, there's no way you can get much done on a computer, it simply takes too much time.
I look back on the days when I was naive and my focus was more like a microscope than a telescope, just working intently on the thing at hand and not being distracted by or concerned about the rest of the world or the results of my efforts. It was the bliss of doing that fed me. Then my life went from the Satya Yuga to the Treta Yuga during which time the first hints of darkness began to seep into my consciousness, beginning a cycle of learning in the lower worlds.
So here I am, writing again, only not with a pen and paper, but with a keyboard, into a device that sends my writings out into some electronic netherworld where it is possible for anyone to see them if they only know where to look. Weird. I have everything I've ever written on paper here in my room. Nobody will see that stuff, I'm sure. A few people will see this stuff, and then it will all disappear when electricity disappears, and it will, whether it's soon or later, eventually it will be gone, as well as my writings on paper, which will turn to dust or be dumped in a landfill after I die.
So, after writing all this, I will say that since I retired, and it's been only two weeks, I realize that this computer and the internet and Xanga are now my main source of human interaction, except for the bit I get in the gym and when I see my parents. So, much like my earlier years, when I wrote just because, I find myself writing again now just because, except now when I write, words from other people show up later on my screen. That didn't happen when I was writing on a piece of paper. How weird.
The only thing I wanted to write today was in the first four sentences, after that I don't know...
PS I figured out why the videos I was downloading from YouTube were crappy and I was able to correct it. Question is, they were fine until recently, what changed? Probably another one of their "improvements." Good thing I figured it out too. If I couldn't see my J&Kpop girls anymore I probably would've thrown this computer out the window and then jumped out right after it. Lucky planet...looks like I'll still be around a while longer hee hee.