Saturday, 13 October 2012
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On Writing, I Think...
I was thinking while I was jogging this morning about how much I used to write, since childhood, but more specifically during my 30s and 40s. When between jobs or laid off, I loved to get up around 4:00AM, chug a few cups of coffee and start writing. It was very important to me then. Now I look back and I don't know why. I've always had this thing about God being with me or inside me or around me or all those at the same time. I think I just believed that I was writing to God. I never thought about publishing anything or even about who would read it, I just wrote. Now I'm older and it seems pretty pointless to me, not in a negative way and not out of discouragement, although discouragement and disillusionment over the years did have a lot to do with me reaching this state of mind. It's just that my awareness of the world has increased and I see how many more are out there doing the same things I'm doing and the chances of me being seen and heard or realistically zero. I'm not into that thing of, "Oh, if just one life can be saved or one heart touched by this, then it's all worth it." The world is one big giant sucking vacuum of death. From the moment we're born we enter the end of the Sucking Nozzle of Death and the rest of our lives are just us flying through this long tube until we enter the dust bag at the other end. The internet has made me feel worse about everything because it exponentially opened up my awareness of a lot of things. When I got my first computer three years ago, I was excited and my mind was full of the possibilities (so I thought) of what I would be able to do. Long story short, I didn't realize how much a person needed to learn and how much time it took to learn these things in order to do stuff on a computer. Especially if you have a job and other interests, and really especially if you have to figure it out for yourself, there's no way you can get much done on a computer, it simply takes too much time.
I look back on the days when I was naive and my focus was more like a microscope than a telescope, just working intently on the thing at hand and not being distracted by or concerned about the rest of the world or the results of my efforts. It was the bliss of doing that fed me. Then my life went from the Satya Yuga to the Treta Yuga during which time the first hints of darkness began to seep into my consciousness, beginning a cycle of learning in the lower worlds.
So here I am, writing again, only not with a pen and paper, but with a keyboard, into a device that sends my writings out into some electronic netherworld where it is possible for anyone to see them if they only know where to look. Weird. I have everything I've ever written on paper here in my room. Nobody will see that stuff, I'm sure. A few people will see this stuff, and then it will all disappear when electricity disappears, and it will, whether it's soon or later, eventually it will be gone, as well as my writings on paper, which will turn to dust or be dumped in a landfill after I die.
So, after writing all this, I will say that since I retired, and it's been only two weeks, I realize that this computer and the internet and Xanga are now my main source of human interaction, except for the bit I get in the gym and when I see my parents. So, much like my earlier years, when I wrote just because, I find myself writing again now just because, except now when I write, words from other people show up later on my screen. That didn't happen when I was writing on a piece of paper. How weird.
The only thing I wanted to write today was in the first four sentences, after that I don't know...
PS I figured out why the videos I was downloading from YouTube were crappy and I was able to correct it. Question is, they were fine until recently, what changed? Probably another one of their "improvements." Good thing I figured it out too. If I couldn't see my J&Kpop girls anymore I probably would've thrown this computer out the window and then jumped out right after it. Lucky planet...looks like I'll still be around a while longer hee hee.
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Comments (12)
I'm glad you got your girls back. It means you might stick around here for me to read you, too. Have you thought of starting up or joining another band to play in around town? Do you still go to meetings? Maybe there could be fun stuff to do. Around here there's one where they actually shoot pool and play cards instead of sitting around talking about when they got drunk. I'm not a member, but they didn't mind me being there for one their Halloween bonfire parties as a guest of a member. If you had something like that, I bet people would love to hear you play. Drunks, non-drunks and semi-drunks alike.
Somehow, I think you're still naive especially when it comes to love and loving feelings.
@sleekpunk - I think when I write it comes off sounding worse than it is. I'm a loner by choice and I like being alone. I was just stating facts in that blog but maybe it sounds kind of negative.Nothing is bugging me THAT much. I could go to meetings but I can't stand them. As far as bands, it's on my list of things to do, but I'm not in a huge hurry. I think things will show up of their own accord as time passes. I should probly just shut up and quit whining and enjoy the fact that I don't have to work. I need to go to Japan and be humiliated on stage while wearing schoolgirl clothes and playing heavy metal guitar. Then I'd be happy.
@RestlessButterfly - ?
@runisom48 - You're naive and romantic
Computer can be a dearest friend to us human, ya' know.
And writing is a good way to letting things out of the lungs.
@runisom48 - I didn't think you were whining. I was just being curious (nosy?) . I've seen your YouTubes of you playing, plus there was the photo of you in what looked like a band, so I was just wondering is all. Then I got way off track thinking about those depressing meetings and thought that if there was fun stuff like open mics and all without all the drinking drunkeness it could be fun. None of my business. But always curious, and happy to read that you've been thinking of playing in bands.
@RestlessButterfly - Yes, I'm very romantic and I still keep the child like naive side of my heart open, but I know never to trust anybody.
@sleekpunk - I didn't think you thought I was whining, you're fine. I was just talking at me. But I am continually wondering if this being open and honest stuff is worth the effort. The misinterpretation level is very high. It's nobodys fault, it's just the shortcoming of the written word. I may quit trying to be succinct and clear in what I write and just let the psychobabble out instead. It'll be fun for me and maybe way more entertaining than me trying to be all proper all the time. Hmm...
@runisom48 - I didn't think you were being all proper all the time
And if we're gonna get into this psychobabble entertaining stuff, let the misinterpretations fly! ... back and forth. 
I download Janis Joplin videos from you tube because I have always been a fan and the quality has been crap for the past teo day. So i think you are right and they have had an upgrade or something.
Xanga is sometimes my therapy session and where I talk to people who I can block of they become to critical or insulting.
It is my space and I am nto sure what else to say about it except I am just grateful to have a space if that makes sense.
@Grannys_Place - I found out it's the bit rate. You can click on that little machine looking wheel down at the bottom of the youtube picture to increase the bit rate for watching. I use clipnabber to download videos. They have the options available on the page when you download. I found out I have to pick the hghest options, which are HD, for best quality. I was using mp4 all the time. Some videos don't have HD so you have to settle for less quality. Only thing is it takes way longer to download HD than mp4, but I have a slow connection.